Blog #1 COMMON CENT$ FOR THE 21stCENTURY
*with apologies to Thomas Paine
Recently, thanks to the stalled American economy, the United States Congress voted to close yet another U.S. military base — in this case, Ft. Knox. Not satisfied with making these cost cuts alone, Congress further decided that all of the troops that had been placed in charge of guarding Ft. Knox should be officially discharged. The local community, naturally outraged that it had not been consulted in advance about such a critical decision, was even more upset that an internationally-publicized and unguarded gold vault could, in the words of the local mayor and city council: "attract the wrong elements to our community." After considerable debate, local citizens inevitably decided the easiest solution would be to give away all of the gold in Ft. Knox rather than leave it sitting there to become a potential crime hazard. Naturally, they turned to me for help…
Blog #2 AMERICA'S RETREAT FROM EXCELLENCE*
*with apologies to Thomas Jefferson
As I stood in the elevator approaching the fourteenth floor, I could sense that something wasn't right. The prestigious executive recruiting firm of Hickley, Hartley, & Hoolihan had summoned me to its offices, hoping that I could help to improve its bottom line. The irony was not lost on me, for as a member of the "New Economy" myself, I was constantly seeking out new means to improve my own. But with the new tax season just around the bill-paying bend, I decided there was nothing to be lost by honoring Hickley, Hartley's request for an initial creative consultation, and seeing whether I might do something to contribute to its profitability…
Blog #3 AMERICA'S NEW INSTITUTE FOR CULTIVATING RUDENESS*
*with apologies to Emily Post
I stood at the foot of the non-descript brownstone before me, feeling a bit non-plussed. Only a week earlier, I had received a mysterious phone call inviting me to fly across the country to come in and consult for the A.A.R.P. Since the American Association of Retired Persons is a venerable organization with more than 32,000,000 members, my first instincts told me that this could be a rather lucrative assignment. So I hopped on the first red-eye I could find to the East Coast, and settled in at the Airport Hilton for the night. But now, as I gazed at the small, aged, paint-peeling door before me, rechecked the address I'd been given, and pressed the buzzer yet again, I was beginning to sense that something wasn't right.…
Blog #4 AMERICA'S NEW PATH TO EARLY RETIREMENT*
*with apologies to Ben Franklin
"Hey, hey, hey. You're HERE. ALL RIGHT. That's mighty, mighty COOL, my man."
The young man in the charcoal Brooks Brothers suit escorted me over to the bean bag chair situated behind his glass top desk, and motioned for me to take a seat. I hesitated for an instant, but as my posterior sank deeply into the bag, and I was forced to listen to the sound of rushing air escaping, I couldn't help but notice the vast menagerie of polyvinyl sea creatures, barnyard animals, and lifelike dinosaurs all stacked in neatly appointed rows surrounding the front edge of his desk...
Blog #5 AMERICA'S HEALTH CARE CRISIS: NEW REMEDY FOR PASSING THE BUCK*
*with apologies to Harry S. Truman
The call came in somewhere around midnight. My old college roommate, Chip Offderoldenblock, sounded frantic. Seems Chip had continued to make good faith payments toward his latest "pharmacy dispensing fees" — had even gone so far as to cash in his life insurance, kids' college fund, and family Buick just to take care of it. Unfortunately, Chip had now run into a spate of bad luck, fallen behind on his payments, and his pharmacist was threatening to foreclose on Chip's house if Chip didn't come up with the additional moneys. I'm no soft touch, will rarely work on the back-end, but considering Chip and I went back a few years, I agreed to accept Chip's offer to compensate me with small contingency fee if I could help him to achieve some form of negotiated settlement in my role as his temporary life coach and personal consultant…
